Hospice Bride: Don't be sad, we're not

A wedding day of joy and heartache

There are people who astound you with their ability to remain positive through the worst. Rebecca Mahan and her husband Andrew Wilson are two of those people. Married in early May, the couple is like any newlywed pair, joking, laughing and completely in love. They're able to stay happy despite the fact that Rebecca, 29, is in the final stages of fighting terminal bowel cancer.

Her battle with the disease has been life shattering, but the pair remain positive and hold on to the one thing that's got them through – their love. The couple is not unrealistic about Rebecca's prognosis, but they have made a conscious decision to live every day to the full no matter what.

'We didn't sit around and do the whole "woe is me" thing, because there's no point getting depressed and not enjoying life,' Andrew explains.

Rebecca chimes in, 'I definitely have my maudlin moments – but that tends to be after half a bottle of something!'

Although their May wedding was an unexpected surprise, it became a way of celebrating their love. The pair had been engaged for several years, but Rebecca's illness prevented them setting a date. However this year friends Rowena and Nikki decided it was now or never.

'They said, "We really want you to get married because we want to share it with you, so if you want to do it, let us know and you don't have to do anything from then on,' Rebecca explains.

A perfect marriage

The date was set for four weeks' time. But despite the couple's worries, Rebecca was released from her hospice, the popular location Mantells was available, and the dresses, cake and vows all came together perfectly.

New Idea was there to catch the moment with them.

'Everything that could go wrong, didn't,' Rebecca says. 'It was absolutely beautiful.'

Rebecca was too ill to go on a proper honeymoon with Andrew, but Rydges Harbourview Auckland Hotel gave the couple a much-needed break. Rebecca is frail because of her condition, but her personality still sparkles.

Rebecca met Andrew in a university role-playing club, but it wasn't until seven years later – and six months into Rebecca's illness – that the crush became a relationship. Regardless of her illness, Andrew has remained by Rebecca's side ever since, helping her through the worst.

'I loved her positive outlook and personality. There is a lot of positivity there just to get on with life, and she's nice and caring and she laughs at my jokes,' Andrew says as he smiles at his bride.

Rebecca replies, 'Although he's sarcastic at times, he is really caring and he's got the same interests as me.' At this, they both well up and the couple tearfully embraces.

Born and raised in Auckland, Rebecca was a confident choir girl with her whole life ahead of her when she was diagnosed at 23.

'I had a very brief career at university, but quickly decided that making money at my father's jewellery shop was far more fun,' she says with a cheeky laugh.

But then stomach pains and lack of energy began to plague her, proving to be the catalyst that would unravel her picture-perfect life.

Following a week of crippling pain she ended up in hospital for a laparoscopy, but admits she was sure it was no more than a bout of food poisoning.

'They were pumping stuff from my stomach and wondering where it was coming from, so they cut me open to have a proper look and that's when they found that my bowel had perforated – the cancer was that far advanced, and so my stomach was actually filling up with bacteria.

'They didn't seal off one of my blood vessels properly which caused massive internal bleeding, and I had to have more surgery. After three general anaesthetics in a weekend, I was in intensive care for the first week and a half, so I found out it was cancer about two weeks after everyone else.'

Because of her delicate condition Rebecca's father had to make the heartbreaking decision to give permission to remove the areas where cancer was suspected – her ovary and bowel.

'It was the first time I saw my father cry,' she recalls. The emotion behind this statement shows a glimpse of what it must have been like for someone so young and just how devastated her parents were.

'It's hard to diagnose bowel cancer because you can get food poisoning that gives the same sort of symptoms. There are so many other things it could have been – it's typically diagnosed in males over 50, so a female under 25 was really not expected.'

She says that after the initial shock everyone was very positive as she was sent for her first round of chemotherapy.

'It was after they did the colostomy bag reversal that they told me there were still nodules that the chemo hadn't got. They pulled out the ones they could, but they told me, "We can't get it all – it's going to get you."'

But Rebecca was determined to keep on living her life. 'I went back to work and carried on with my life. I've managed another five years, and it hasn't been all bad. I actually fell off the system for a year because I felt fine, and I hated the six-weekly reminders of "you're sick".'

Living for the present

Initially Rebecca was unwilling to go into hospice care, but after a tumour pressed on her spine and confined her to a wheelchair, she started attending Opening Doors last March at Mercy Hospice.

She is now at Mercy Hospice full-time, but again rather than be woeful the pair is grateful. They are sharing the final chapter of their life together with New Idea because they want to thank the hospice and tell readers what an amazing service it provides.

'It's the fact that somebody is willing to do something for you,' Rebecca says. 'Just getting some sort of routine into a life that has been turned upside down.

'We want to thank our friends, family and the hospice, they have all been invaluable. Just because we are sick, doesn't mean we're not human. If you want to be able to go to the movies, just go. Get out there and enjoy yourself and do what you want to do, and don't sweat the small stuff.'

By Natalie Scarr. Published in New Idea 14 June 2010